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d3adey3
Age. 37
Gender. Male
Ethnicity. white
Location somewher eint he sate of texas near garland and da, TX
School. Texas Tech Univ
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New Hope and New Folly
Thursday. 3.25.04 12:33 am
*sigh* ... ... ... theres this girl i've know at my school for a while and i think she is beauitful , funny and so on. I like her ... and if i was just to go with my gut feeling she is interested in me too. but i am scared to go with those feelings because i have no way to prove them. I dunno why i would need proof, i am just shy and i am tired of being in fucked relationships. I dunno i just wish that there would be some sign that would let me know what to do. ... ... ... we talked on the phone tonight, i wish i wasn't so damn tired. I would have been able to been more conversive with her. We were just talkin about somethings and then the next thing that i know . BAM! I zoned out..... i heard her say something " wut else is there to talk about ...." thats when i zoned back in and just did something really random to mix it up. Make her laugh and make it feel less awarkward. I dunno i am just wondering if she is nervous or wut. .... ... ... ... .. well in a bit i heard her mom come in say something and then she had to go. she gave me her house number. She thanked me for calling her she will have to goto bed. She told me to call her house when ever. just not when its obnoxously late thats all . I wouldn't do that. .... .... i wish i wouldn't worri like that. but to make things worse i lost her number because i was putting in my phone and i accidently hit cancel instead of save and i forgot what it was. grrr.. why does shit like that happen to me. ... i duno i shouldn't get my hopes up , i'm only like this bc i don't want to be alone ne more. I want someone to help me release all these feelings trapt in me.

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Realism
Monday. 3.22.04 2:09 am
listening to: eminem mood: fearful I am scared right now, i am worried about what could happen. worried bout losing someone special to me. Why do people in this world have to be this way and have some desire to kill people or make them suffer. *sigh* there's some much hate in this world and not enough people who will sit htere for asecond and think about what they're goin to do before they do it.

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Feeling Lost at times
Sunday. 3.21.04 7:48 pm
Man after all that has happened, i am glad i have two friend who i know will be there for me no matter when i need them. I would prolly be lost with out them. ... I would prolly lose it with out them. Joe and Leslie i can't thank you enough for being my friend. Because i would truely have nonthing with out y'all. I don't know what it is with me and letting my life feel like one big ass joke to everyone else. It jusut seems like the way shit goes in my life is just there to make others realize that other people have some shit worse off luck wise. Like if lightining were to strike some one. I would have the best odds of being struck. And i don't understand shit like that. I think it is funny sometimes that i am able to do shit that no one ele could do accidently. But after a long timeit just gets so damn tiriing. I want to just break down and wash this world away with my tears. ... ... ... all of my relation ships never seem to last no matter how much i want them to. And when they're over all i do is just step aside and be the gentlemen and let it all go. Only once have i've been an asshole and to really think about it i wasn't much of an asshole. That is just my standards. In my last relationship i let my ex know how wrong that shit she was pulling with me. Lying about how she was always so busy , blowing me off. Then the one that really got me, her lying about how she wantted to goto prom with me. And basicly to simplify all of it , she really planned to go with her girl friends and then tells me that we're goin together. Then by some strange way i find out that shes goin with her girl friends from her friend accidently. I ask her and she tells me that we're goin together. Then the night that we broke up i find out other wise. ... ... ... ... This shits all pointless, why try anymore if all thats goin to happen in the end is faliure and the pain of lies. I really don't like to say this but i think that i have finally given up on all that shit. It feels as if my kind ness is only appreciated by a select few and the shall keep seeing who i really am. As the world will only see this shell.

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This sucks
Friday. 3.19.04 10:15 am
Man i am really starting to regret breaking my leg, becuase in so many ways it has screwed me over. Also its hurts so much, goodGod it is throbing rightnow becuase i all most fell out standing up so i slammed the broken one down on the floor to prevent my self from fallijn and hiting the ground. I think i ave been oiffically screwed for Prom becuase i have made plans to go with ginger and as of last week we are no longer together and no longer on good terms. I knew this girl named Nia hasn't been asked yet. So i was called chris and wantted to see if she still wasn't going with anybody and he tells me that she wuz asked on monday. SHIT!!! I have this weird feeling that everyone else has a date or has plans already. So either everyone who i ask from now on will being goin to prom with some one else or they won't be going. "sigh" this really sucks. I want to go but i don't want to become so desperate to go with someone who i don't even know. .... Its just i dont know what to do now becuase ........ I have missed so many things that i could have enjoyed in highschool and now that i really want this to work out it wont. Feels like homecoming all over again.

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My Break and new perpective
Tuesday. 3.16.04 9:33 pm
well woo hoo i can't wait until tomorrow becuase i get to have surgery for my broken ankle . Which i broke in stupid way and i really can't wait uintil it happens because first i will have a erector set placed in my leg. (metal plate with a screw or two) . Its all fun. ANd when i heal in 4 months i will go for round two with that rolling chair that i fell off of. WHEN I WAS STANDING ON IT! And just recently i have learned how to see the truth, to see the truth is to look at everything as a lie. WIth out doin that you will not see the entire picture. I can thank my previous relationship for that. I have never cared and despised someone so much. The break up between me and ginger went pretty well until i read an email that she sent me before we borke up but i ended up reading it after we broke up. aww man it just made me so pissed. becuase it said that she was going to end up goint o prom with her and some girlfriends. That did not irrate me , what botherd me wuz ..... i forgot how long ago it wuz , like 4-6 wks ago, the week of our last pep rally and her friend Deb just randomly imed me and asked how wuz i doin and was everything goin. He asked me if i have asked ginger to the prom yet becuase she was starting to plan to go with all of her girl friends. I wuz alittle concerned becuase we have talked about prom already and i decided to ask her just . (just to let y'all knw i never asked for any of the information it just happened) ANd so i asked her the friday of the last pep ralley when she came over to my house and she told me "i thought we've already talked about this , you're goin with me to my prom." I felt better and then i never thought another thing of it until i got that email. And that made me realize alot of the shit that she has told me and alot of the reason that she gave me why she couldn't talk on the phone but she could talk on aim we lies. SHe never planned to go with me to prom in the first place and that just irrates me more than it hurts me. Becuas ei am already so use to shit never goin my way , so use to he pain of this world. Because i hate it when people lie to me. I wish they would just straight up tell me shit instead of lyin and drwin some shit out. Its just that i actually cared about her and I supported and believed her even when she lied to me. ( i didn't knw about it yet) I tried to make her feel better when she told me how busy she was. She wuz too busy to even give me a call eventually. .... ... ... ... and i can't even talk to her right now becuase it is too awarkward and i just don't want to speak to her right now becuase i might say something that i will regret

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